No time to read? You can listen to this week's letter instead.
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In a magazine interview conducted with award-winning musician Amy Grant two years after her traumatic brain injury, Amy quoted a prayer her former mother-in-law taught her. “Lord, lead me today to those I need and those who need me.”
Amy recalls now, “Man, what a way to approach a day!”
For the past six weeks we’ve been searching for treasures in the darkness—the hidden gifts that often don’t emerge until long after those life-situations that cause trauma or beckon depression. Having lost much of what she calls her “superpower”—her memory— Grant now has deep empathy for others with chronic health issues.
“I love gathering in purposeful community,” she says. “The best we can give each other is our presence, actually showing up for one another.”
But what if you do consistently show up for your family or friends, only to find one who no longer eagerly welcomes your presence or rejects your prayers?
This past week, a younger woman I’m mentoring expressed her sadness that a longtime friend whom she guided through a particularly challenging time has since ghosted her. There’s been no contact in years between two women who were once so close.
Another friend, “Candace,” confessed her despair over a beloved daughter who ignores her texts, phone calls, and letters. Gifts are returned unopened or not acknowledged. Hardest of all, Candy’s grandchildren are growing up unaware of the love of their grandmother.
And too many friends to count have now-adult children who have chosen life-paths sharply divergent from the values with which they were raised. Those choices —perplexing to their elders—have made conversation difficult.
How can the generations connect if they cannot communicate?
I recently interviewed several spiritually mature friends with decades of experience in pastoral ministry walking alongside divided families. At the risk of over-simplifying their nuanced wisdom, here are a few relational principles they’ve shared.
1) The highest commandment Jesus gave is to love. Period. End stop. Finis.
When a principle is vitally important in scripture, it’s repeated. The command to love God and others is woven throughout the Bible. If we make agreement on political positions or cultural issues a higher priority than our love, we are failing to observe what Jesus called the greatest commandment.
“So now I am giving you a new commandment: Love each other. Just as I have loved you, you should love each other. Your love for one another will prove to the world that you are my disciples.” John 13: 34-35
Our mandate is not to “fix” someone else (even if that were possible), admonish them, or serve as their counselor. Rather, perhaps we take our cues from the most loyal of pets! We sit. We stay. We speak when asked. And always with love.
2) Keep your thoughts to yourself.
(Oh friends, this is a hard one for me as a communicator. I put my stuff out here every week!)
When we have loved ones who are struggling, or simply in a different place than we’d wish them to be, it’s tempting to move into convince-and-persuade mode. If they are contemplating behavior harmful to themselves or others, love impels us to act. But if it’s a question of differing worldviews, for instance, it’s wise to hold one’s tongue (with both hands if possible!) until asked for our opinion.
3) Listen with the goal of understanding, not rebutting.
Listening is one of the greatest acts of love. Jesus’ half-brother James expressed it well when he wrote that we are to be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slower still to become angry. As one sage friend put it, “When you say “Yes, but. . .”, all your loved one will hear is the but, not the yes.
You might think of listening as a form of searching for one who may be intentionally distancing themselves from you out of fear of disapproval. So, as you seek the relationship you once enjoyed, ask questions to clarify, not confront.
A pastor's wife wrote this about an adult child who has been questioning his faith:
“So how have we tried to keep the conversation open? We are not willing to sacrifice our relationship with [our son] around who is right or who is wrong. We are simply trying to listen and understand. Which does not mean we agree all the time. We do, at times, push back. But more than anything we want him to know we love him and will walk with him on this journey. We read the books he’s reading, listen to some of the podcasts he listens to. We continually pray that God will bring a fresh encounter of the Spirit into his life.”
4) Tell your loved one that you believe in them even though your views might diverge on external matters.
Affirmation is not approval nor agreement but rather a validating of your adult child or friend’s right to work through the process on their own terms, knowing you will not reject them.
5) God is near to you and to them.
We must never mistake his silence for his absence. He knows those who are his, and he is never more surely with our loved ones than when we are not. We can trust his good keeping.
“But God’s truth stands firm like a foundation stone with this inscription: ‘The Lord knows those who are his.” 2 Timothy 2:19
6) SEE #1! Let it wash over your soul. Rinse. Repeat.
Our love for others is a mark of our love for Christ. We can trust God to answer when we pray, “Lord, lead me today to those I need and those who need me.”
IT’s YOUR TURN!
What have you found most helpful when seeking to strengthen your relationship with a loved one who is keeping you at a distance? And if you've read this far because you know someone else in this situation, simply say "Sharing!" and we'll know to pray for your friend, too.